I am ashamed to say that in the last year, I have not really progressed any further with the novel that I started all those months ago. My review at one year http://theonlyconsequence.blogspot.com/2008/11/year-on.html lists all my excuses and the attached photo shows the main reason I am strapped for time. But, I really would not have it any other way. Having a baby turns you into a totally different person to the one you were before - its as if a switch gets flicked in your head and your whole being exists only to look after your little bundle of joy!! Having a baby forces you to streamline your life in a way you would not have thought possible before. You realize just how precious time actually is and the need not to waste it. When I had all the time in the world after I left work, my writing should have been proficient but it wasn’t. Now I only have a few snatched minutes of time, I find I am using my time so much better - although not necessarily for writing.At my recent visit to Lindum Scribes Pete clarified the situation with regards to the time spent on writing and my demands as a parent. He said writing should be seen as a hobby and therefore enjoyment. If it isn’t giving you enjoyment then why are you doing it? Yes, I would love to be the next Ruth Rendell (or whoever) but at the end of the day the chance of this is very slim and so time spent on my writing needs to be pleasurable.
I am pleased to say I have maintained my baby blog http://grumpymumtobe.blogspot.com/ which enables me to write about being a mother and at the same time give myself a free therapy session but I feel that if I am to begin writing again, the novel I have been looking at for the last 2 years is probably not the one that I am going to finish. I am a totally different person to the one who started this blog 2 years ago. Re-reading this blog I realise I have always set myself too many (impossible) tasks and I have always been too hard on myself when they don't get done!! I can't be sure, but perhaps this is one of the reasons that Jamie decided to appear 5 weeks early - mummy rushing around like a blue arse trying to do a million jobs before he arrived. This stems I am sure from a feeling at school of not being quite good enough....
A quote to consider: "You are the storyteller of your own life, and you can create your own legend or not." Isabel Allende
1 comment:
Hmmmm... you had that feeling too?
Funny how we spent all of that time as if on some sort of launchpad, preparing for a journey whose destination we (well, I, at least) hadn't even attempted to guess. Twenty-odd years later, and I really do feel older and wiser. The kids made a big difference. I'll push them and encourage them to do their best, to help them to see how important it is to be able to make choices. I'd like to think though that I'll also give them the time and breadth of experience to be able to recognise a choice before it sails past. I'm not sure that I recognised all of mine.
It's funny how your priorities change. It used to be that the only 'must do' activity was Physics homework, driven by a keen sense of survival and the avoidance of certain (although comic) humiliation. Years later, the positive and absolute need to get a degree. Then a job. Then to keep a job - dreading the word 'reorganisation'.
Maybe it's because of the career change - proving that you really can live on whatever you have, and that you really do appreciate things more when you have to budget for them. Perhaps it's because of the kids; you're desperate for them to realise before the age of 10 all of the things which just began to dawn on you when you were closer to 40. It could be because you know you're already following 'Plan B', and that you work hard not through the competetive drive instilled at school, but because you have to in order to pay the mortgage and buy the food. Whatever the reason, life feels different. It feels good not because of its potential, but because of today. 'Exceptional' no longer describes a trip-of-a-lifetime exotic holiday; time with good friends, a bottle of wine, a real fire, a grown-up conversation with an eight-year old; any of those will qualify.
I think that you will write the book. You might not do it this year, or next, but you will do it. And you will probably find that you'll make the most rapid progress when you stop pushing yourself so hard to do it. Give it another couple of years; the value which you by then attach to every hour will combine with the luxury of a short time spent pursuing something you really enjoy to deliver a sense of focus which is both efficient and effective.
I wish you luck.
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