It's The Thought That Doesn't Count (Ode to my Mother-In-Law)

Your Christmas card arrived today,
You forgot to add a stamp.
I can see it once said ‘Love Brian,’
So I can tell its second hand.

Every year when Christmas comes,
I know what I’m getting from you.
Presents that are worse than shoddy tat,
Is this really the best you can do?

The socks you gave that were full of holes.
The slippers that had two left feet.
Knickers that don’t appear very clean.
Cut price beef, when I don’t eat meat.

I only have a shower at home.
Thanks a lot for the bubble bath.
My bathroom is white with silver fittings.
So I have no use for gold taps.

A knitted toilet roll holder,
Someone else might think it pretty.
An ugly Scunthorpe United scarf,
When I support Lincoln City.

You bought me once a size eighteen,
But you must know I’m a ten.
One year you bought me a glasses case,
I was wearing contacts by then.

A set of whisky miniatures,
When you know that I never drink.
‘Special Offer’ Eau de Toilette,
Gave off a truly toilet stink.

A big bag of seed potatoes,
Won’t fit in my small window box.
Four big tins of BOGOF cat food,
When I have always had a dog.

Stop buying me video tapes,
I no longer have the machine.
Technology moved on I’m afraid,
And ‘Hitler’s War.’ I don’t want to see.

I thank you for my birthday gift.
A sweater. 50% cashmere.
I know it’s good quality. In fact,
That’s the present I gave you last year.

Please take me off your Christmas list.
Don’t bother spending any amount.
Do you think about those that you buy for?
Yours, is the thought, that doesn’t count.

Joanne Borrill
December 2011